


who we used to be

by pancha



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV), QTWD, The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, but is more like an epilogue, fast-paced, it feels like a prologue, lots of feels, she doesn't suck it up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-05-27 05:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6270760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pancha/pseuds/pancha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Alicia remembers but thinks is a dream. And Elyza remembers, and knows Lexa must be somewhere in this world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Alicia._

She always remembered. There were faint memories that appeared in dreams, places that she felt she'd been before, colors and words that should have meant nothing, but that made her feel. When she was a kid, she played that she was a warrior and a leader. She trained herself to be strong and fearless. But soon, other things became more real, more important, more urgent. And then she knew, as with all the things we come to know when we grow, that it has been just her imagination. A kids playground. The Warrior, the Leader, that was not who she was. They had been only dreams and games, and what was left, what she remembered, were just echos of her imagination.

When everything goes to hell, the echos become louder. The destruction, the fear, the violence, the blood. They feel familiar. She has done this before. Fighting. Surviving. She knows how to survive. But when her instincts thell her to run, to protect herself she leaves him behind, and she knows she is not a leader. When she kills her first walker, she is disgusted, and cries, and knows she is not a warrior. After a few days, a few deaths, and a few cries, everything feels familiar, even the running and the fear. And she knows, that is the way humans work: we adapt fast to survive. And so the echos go unlistened.

So, when she sees _her_ for the first time, in the midst of the apocalypse, she knows is just a dream. She hasn't eaten or slept well in days, she is tired and thirsty. An illusion caused by dehydration, that is what the girl is.  Even so, she stops to watch the girl fight the walkers. There is three of them. Well, there were. The girl killed them, destroyed them. Two bullets, directly to their heads. It shouldn't be possible, she must have counted them wrong; no one is that good. Even if they have two guns. But they are dead, and the girl is gone. Her instinct tells her to go find her, to not let go. But she knows it was just an illusion. So she doesn't follow and the memory haunts her.

When she sees her again, from the ground while waiting for her death, she can only see her back. It's been days, but she knows is the same girl. Two guns, the sound of fire, and the walkers that had been chasing her are on the ground. Destroyed by this girl, like killing is her nature. When she finally turns, there is no death in her eyes, no anger. "We need to go", she says while helping her stand. "There are more coming". The hands are strong, hard, and more familiar than anything else she has touched before. Looking at those blue eyes, she knows she's been wrong all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a short story, with 2 or 3 chapters. Is my first fanfiction, and the first story I've ever actually written. (How is that possible? Let's just say education is not the same in all countries. The only thing I know how to write are lab reports) 
> 
> There might be many grammatical errors. Point them out if you want. I'll try to improve the writing but, for now, I wanted to get the story 'out there'.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of drama with some comic relief.

_Elyza._

She always remembered. Although not everything at once. Some memories more present than others. But otherwise the same. Inseparable. Indistinguishable. When she was a kid, she was sure she had, at some point, lived in space. It didn't matter her parents swore they hadn't. She remembered. Same as she remembered going camping last summer. But soon she learned that what she remembered was not _exactly_ possible. Not if the world worked in they way grown-ups said it worked. But it didn't matter. She couldn't forget. The Ark, Clarke, her friends. Even if she tried. So, she learned to keep the memories to herself. Close to her heart. Like a treasure.

It wasn't much later than she remembered the rest. She remembered falling from the sky. And then falling to the bottom. She remembered _them_. The ones she saved. The ones she killed. The ones she lost. She remembered everything she wished she could forget. The betrayals, the fear, the loneliness, the blood. But you can't decide what to forget. No more than you can decide what to remember. So, she keeps the memories to herself. Close to her heart. Like a penance.

She remembers _her_ along with the others. Hers are the memories that give her peace. That make her feel safe. The smiles, the trust, the care, the love. And she keeps the memories to herself. Close to her heart. Like a sun.

She searches for her. She knows the odds of finding her are very low. But she remembers her so vividly that is even harder to believe she might not exist. And her last name _is_ Lex, and those odds are also low. So, when she does find her, on facebook of all places, she is only half surprised. Alicia Clark, 17 years, Los Angeles, CA. She knows is her. Fate is not beeing very subtle with the name thing. Even if Fate has been a jackass before, she decides to trust her instincts.

So, when everything goes to hell, she is already there to protect her. ... If necessary. She might not need protection. She keeps a respectful distance, just in case. Not beeing a creep or anything. Is just that, this girl might not remember her. She figures that the best thing she can do is keep the neighborhood clean. Clean of walkers, that is. Not that she is doing it for her. Is for the good of everyone.

There is a certain pleasure in killing things that are already dead. Is not killing. Not really. You are just destroying them. Chop off the head and done. Destroyed. Hasta la vista. No moral ambiguity. No extra blood in her hands. At least not figuratively blood. She knows destroying them doesn't make her a Hero. But she is not trying to be a hero.

She is cleaning the last street of the day when it happens. The girl is never out after dawn. But she is now, and the walkers are close. Too close. She moves before thinking, putting herself in between the walkers and the girl. And shoots. The noise will attract more walkers. She knows this by now. But she wasn't thinking. She turns to help the girl stand. Her eyes, the same green, are filled with fear and surprise. "We need to go", she says while helping the girl stand. "There are more coming". The hands are soft and strong, and so familiar that is painful.

"Of course there are more coming", the girl says while adjusting her shirt. "You just sent them an invitation." Looking at those green eyes again, she sees no fear, no surprise. Just hope. And she starts to remember how that feels. Smiling she answers, "I'm still new to LA but where I'm from, when someone saves your life, you say thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was more difficult to write that what I planned.  
> I wanted to make it lighter than chapter 1, but didn't want for Clarke/Elyza to remember without feeling anything.
> 
> So, this is the result. I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> And thank you all for the kudos and comments. I really does help.
> 
> PS: the comment about the shirt is suppose to reference [ this tumblr post](http://alyciacareys.co.vu/post/141620470565/alycia-careys-theres-nothing-more-satisfying).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you were paying attention, you wouldn't notice the change. But Alicia does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I was stressed with work for a few weeks, and after that, it was hard to write. 
> 
> The end result is not as finished as I wanted to, but I fear that if I don't publish what I have, then I will never publish it.
> 
> Hope you like it :) And thanks for all the kudos and comments for the previous chapters.

_Alicia._

While they run through the streets, she starts to remember. There are no flashbacks. No vivid memory disrupting her. Is slow and quiet. The memories were always there, but she is starting to accept them. They are shifting, adjusting, searching their right place among all her other memories.

If you were paying attention, you wouldn't notice the change. But she does.

She notices first how her fear settles. It's still there but is calm, lighter. It allows her to move, to act. She is running, but not out of fear. She is running, but she is not running alone. She is constantly making sure the blonde is close. Searching for her after each turn. Breathing again each time she founds her looking back. And somehow, it makes sense that she yearns to touch her, hug her, hold her, protect her. She doesn't fight it anymore.

If you were paying attention, you would notice that, by the time they reach a safe place, she is tired. Exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"Please tell me I'm not going crazy", she asks. Although she knows she is not.

"You are not going crazy", the blond answers smiling. "The zombie apocalypse is actually happening. It took me a while to accept it too."

The joke is lame, but it breaks the tension, and she laughs. It's a new laugh. Her laughter used to be light, and then it was gone. Now is heavier but precious.

"Is you, isn't? Clarke?" The question leaves her without permission. It bubbles up among the laugh. Is crazy that she fears the answer because deep down she knows the answer. But words have power, and she needs to hear it. She waits like you wait for the thunder after the lightning, and like you wait for the first star of the night.

"I am Clarke, as much as you are Lexa". And it makes sense, because they are more, and they are less. They are not their past selves. They are somewhat different, but not someone else. They are Clarke and Lexa, as much as you are your younger self. Or maybe a bit less. Because Alicia's body doesn't have Lexa's scars, but Elyza can still trace them as if they were there.

***

"How did you find me?" Alicia asks. She is looking at the stars like they had something to do with it. She knows that meeting Elyza again was somehow inevitable. But she doesn't like to feel her destiny is in the hands of some unknown force. _They_ are inevitable. She knows that. But it has more to do with how she feels than some magic pen.

"I googled you", Elyza explains, without looking at her. "And I found your facebook page. Not very secure btw. Lead me directly to you."

"You googled me?", she turns to look at Elyza. Trying to figure out if the girl is teasing her.

"I googled you," Elyza repeats, this time looking at her with a smirk on her face.

"I know how google works Elyza! how did you really find me?"

Elyza sighs and turns to look away.

"I drew you," she whispers. "I drew you as I remember you", she continues. "And I googled you with that. You know, ... search similar pictures and all that. It didn't work, so I drew you again and again -", a thousand times, "- until I found your profile picture".

In that picture, Alicia was smiling. She was smiling in most pictures. And at first, Elyza didn't quite remember her smile.

***

"So, what happens now?", they have been staring at the stars in silence for a while. She needs to sleep, but a part of her fears she will forget again.

"We rest, and search for your family in the morning.", Elyza answers quietly, not wanting to disturb the encompassing silence.

"And then? Will you stay?" She fears this question more than all the others. And she waits for the answer like you wait for rain on winter, and like you wait for the first blooms of spring.

Elyza just stares at her, and the answer is clear on her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere without you".


End file.
